Minion For Hire
by Kate Higgins
Summary: Insane, comedy shortfic. No pairing - just a pair of morons. Harmony and Andrew meet - is the universe safe? Short answer= probably.


Minion for Hire  
  
by Kath  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Summary: Insane fic. No pairing - just a pair of morons. Harmony and Andrew meet - is the universe safe? Short answer= probably.  
  
Spoilers: End of Season 6, I suppose, but nothing major.  
  
Note: Written for Kyizi's birthday. You no-longer-teenager, you. Hope you have a great one, ducks. (See, am becoming Spike) Is insane fic, I know, but... exams do strange things to Kath.  
  
Disclaimer: Nothing is mine. I'm just using the characters for my own entertainment. So, please don't make me keep them.  
  
Distribution: If you want it, ask me, and I'll say yes.  
  
Feedback: Would be absolutely fantastic.  
  
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"Freelance minion, available for immediate hire. Looking for an unscrupulous, unconscientious evil mastermind (pref. SWM) for many days/nights of heinous hijinks. Will obey almost all orders (excepting sexual slavery, heavy construction and dog sitting). Complete collection of Babylon 5 memorabilia added bonus. If interested, reply to box 812666."  
  
Andrew knocked at the door of the crypt. He'd been more than a little disappointed to find just the one reply to his ad in the 'desperately seeking...' column... but obviously, no-one respected the value of a true bootlicker any more. Well, apart from this one, no-doubt hugely intelligent fiend, anyway. He tried not to bounce around in excitement. He'd so missed Warren, and even that idiotic weed. Having been in Sunnydale a week, visiting his parents, he was already bored out of his mind. Maybe he shouldn't have left Jonathan to the mercy of that Mexican Kreiro demon after all. There was just nothing good on the television any more since the last series of Star Trek had finished, and that left him with no choice but to start plotting again. He didn't like the new one. It was just so unrealistic. And Captain Kirk was the only real captain. He also kind of missed the Kirk/Janeway fights with Jonathan, too - like Kirk couldn't kick Janeway's ass up and down the galaxy, if Janeway wasn't too much of a wuss to take him on. Also, Kirk was just much hotter... at the whole captain thing. Yeah.  
  
"Hello?" a voice trilled. A woman. Should he turn and run? This hadn't quite been what he had advertised for.... No sense in backing out now. It wasn't like he had much to lose. Unless she attacked him, stole his rucksack of original merchandise, then chased him away.   
  
"Uhm, yeah... you replied to my ad in the..."  
  
"Shh! Jeez, do you want the neighbors to think I'm some kind of weird saddo that reads the singles columns?" Footsteps travelled closer to the door. "Yuh-huh, I don't think so! It's bad enough I'm a newbie again... no-one seems to remember me." A very familiar pouting blonde appeared.  
  
"Harmony?"  
  
"Like, yeah. What, do I know you?"  
  
"High school... the play? With the monkeys?" She looked blank. "Tucker's brother?" Still, clean slate. "The prom?" He started to wonder if Harmony's basic brain functions had actually shut down. "Nerdy kid, ran the school website?" A sudden lightbulb.  
  
"Ohh! Yeah, him! You know, he asked me to the prom. Yeah, right, as if! I was already going with Brad, anyway, and Brad was soooo dreamy..." Her eyes glazed over.  
  
"Yeah, I know, he..." Harmony's brow crinkled a little, and he quickly moved on. "So, uhm, you want to be a criminal mastermind?" She laughed - or possibly, feebly cackled.  
  
"Urgh! Hello, I already am! Like this one time, I had a whole gang. But I decided to cut them loose, because, you know, majorly cramping my style."  
  
"Oh, I know, I was in this group - I don't know if you've heard of us, we were called the Trio - but I left, because...."  
  
"Yay, good for you. I am so interested." Her exaggerated eye-roll seemed to indicate to him that she was so not. "Can we get back to me now? So, I got back from my holiday in Mexico, which is so not as fun at night, and-" she chose to ignore Andrew's desperate attempts to add to the conversation. Or perhaps didn't notice. "-And everyone's totally forgotten me. There's just no respect there! Well, anyway, I need a minion. I'm eviller, and scarier, so I need extra help. Just for basic stuff, like... like... what's that thing, where you, like, make diagrams, and talk lots, and..." she yawned, then looked pointedly at Andrew, brow arched.  
  
"Scheming?"  
  
"Yeah, that! I mean, well done. Just testing. Because, you know, I like the whole killing thing much more. All the rest just... makes me hungrier." She looked at him in a manner that she, no doubt, thought to be threatening, but actually gave the impression she was about to be sick.  
  
"Uh, can I just ask you a question...." her brow crinkled again.  
  
"What, a hard one? Like, like Math or something? Because, I gave that up when I became a vampire."  
  
"Oh. Right. Question answered. So, you're not going to snack on me, or anything, are you?" Andrew was suddenly just a little bit scared. Yeah, so Harmony was pretty Harm-less when she was human, but with a set of teeth on her... God knew what that kind of soulless stupidity could achieve.  
  
"Up yourself much? Like I'd even bother eating a loser like you when I've got the whole population of Sunnydale at my... at my.. dis... dis..."  
  
"Disposal?"  
  
"No. Anyway, so, you'll take orders without arguing?"  
  
"... I guess, yeah." Andrew had never been very good at thinking on his own. Even though Harmony seemed stupid, maybe she actually had a whole genius thing going on beneath the surface, and this was all just an elaborate cover up.  
  
Harmony picked at her nail polish. "You know, Spike and I used to go steady. Until I left him. Yeah, *I* left *him*. He was my little poodle. We painted each other's nails, but I had to get rid of him. He was getting in my way. Plus, our hair numbers clashed, and you have no idea how ugly that can get. But still..." she looked whistful - as whistful as someone like Harmony could get. "Spike was just so..."  
  
"... so cool," Andrew added dreamily. Harmony frowned again. "I mean, in a totally macho, unattractive way. To me. Unattractive to me." He continued to backpedal. "Do you miss him?"  
  
Harmony raised her eyebrows. "No! I'm an, an independent woman, and I don't need him. I've been listening to tapes! Men do not control me. Or fat. Fat doesn't, either."  
  
Andrew sighed. "I miss Warren. We used to have such a good time. But, I don't know what to do with myself any more. We had something, and he abandoned me. Left me to..."  
  
"Would you like some alone time, or something? Because, uhm, disturbing *and* boring!"  
  
"Oh. No, no. So, what do we do now?"  
  
Harmony smoothed out her shirt, which was getting far too creased for something that should have cost so much.  
  
"Well, first..." she paused for dramatic effect, to demonstrate the full cunningness of her plan, "you are going to pick up my clothes from the laundry. Then, the blood bank called, and they had some type A, which is just delish, so I want you to get that, and then you can come back here and call me pretty names. And, then, the real plot...."  
  
"Can't we just take over the world?" Andrew interrupted, wondering if Harmony had a single active neuron in her over-oxygenated head.  
  
"No, doofus! First, I'm going to kill the Slayer."  
  
"But..."  
  
"Hey, who's the evil.... evil... person, here?"  
  
"... I miss Warren. He loved... taking over the world."  
  
"Urgh, is he all you ever talk about, you freak? My albino bunny always said that the only way to get anything done was to... to kill any, uhm, any... wankers, that get in your way! And the Slayer's so a, a wanker! I think...."  
  
"Yeah, well, Warren always said that technology was the only surefire way to get anything done! Apart from controlling girls, because that didn't work out so well." At the mention of control, a rare fleck of animation appeared in Harmony's eyes. Or maybe it was dust...  
  
"You know, Andy, I don't think this is gonna work out. I think you'll just get in the way. What with all the whining, 'oh, I miss my Warner!', I..."  
  
"Warren. His name was Warren."  
  
"Duh, like I said. I..." she twisted a strand of hair around her finger. "Crap! Why did you interrupt me? I was gonna say something, like, really deep, and now...."  
  
"You know, Harmony, I don't need you. I can be a mastermind, too! You'll see! You'll all see!" Harmony turned around to look over her shoulder.  
  
"All? Who's there? I don't see... Spikey baby, is it you? Look, I think you need, like, mental help, you freak, because there's no-one..." she turned around, and was faced with an empty doorstep. The wind was blowing through the cemetry, and the area around was clear. He'd just vanished. "Wow, neat trick. Maybe I could learn to do that..." still talking to herself, she closed the door.  
  
Andrew peeled himself away from the wall, picking pieces of ivy out of his hair. Feeling rather pleased with his avoidance tactics, he walked away from the tomb. Now that was one crazy lady. Who he didn't need. Not at all. He'd do fine, all on his own.  
  
Now, if only he could figure out how to get out of the graveyard...  
  
  
FIN 


End file.
